Monty and Morgion 114: Unicorns on Ice

10Dec04 (Monthenor): My stupid laptop suddenly stopped recognizing the stupid battery two stupid weeks ago, and I had to wrassle Applecare into fixing it. Yes, Applecare, I checked the power adapter. YES, I reset the power management unit. NO, the replacement battery you sent didn't work either. Once I made it past the Level One techs the repair took like two's getting to that point that resembles a labyrinth.

Just got back from Blade Trinity, a competent Marvel action movie that is hamstrung by a couple horrible choices. Choice number one was the casting -- indeed the creation -- of Hannibal King. I have no idea if this is faithful to the comics, but this putz takes the normally irritating action-movie-comedic-sidekick role and rams it right down our throats. Granted, the dialogue for all the characters is bad, but every single goddamn thing that came out of Hannibal King's mouth made me seethe with rage. Ryan Reynolds' performance measured a solid .85 on the Buscemi Scale, an annoying-sidekick measurement system that I just made up.

Choice number two is the latest refinement to a growing trend in movies, product placement. I am not opposed to this in principle, but it is beginning to encroach on the movies themselves. Blade Trinity is the most aggregious example I have yet seen, trumping even the shoe-love of I, Robot. Apple must be into this movie for a couple hundred thousand, because not only do the goodguys use Apple computers, but Jessica Biel is welded to her iPod. When the movie feels the need to explicitly point out that a character is using a product I want to slap everybody involved. Bad Jobs! Bad Biel! Bad Marvel!

Enough about that. Let's talk about Constantine. When I first saw a trailer earlier this year I laughed it off. Seriously: Keanu Reeves. But the more I see of the movie the more I like it. There was this one visual in the new trailer today where Keanu is just sitting in a kitchen chair, hunched over like he's in some mild pain, and he's giving off smoke. Thin wispy cigarette-like smoke from all over his body. That was pretty sweet.

Also, the timing of the Constantine trailer and its heaven-versus-hell imagery couldn't have hit me at a better time. I just spent most of this week working through the archives of Jack. Warning: Jack is a furry comic (unlike this one)(shut up), with violent and sexual content, so my parents shouldn't go there. It centers around the story of Jack, the Sin of Wrath, who is tasked with being the Grim Reaper. Most of it takes place in Hell, but there's time for Earth, Heaven, Purgatory, and none of the above. There's some sadistic, freaky stuff in there, but I couldn't stop reading.