(104008) Cousin: ack (104012) Cousin: The VIllage (104016) Cousin: aaack (104048) Me: see, I warned you (104055) Cousin: yeah (104056) Cousin: um (104058) Me: it a physical representation of their fears, wasn't it? (104108) Cousin: you want the full spoilers? (104202) Cousin: at any rate, the movie was dull and torturous and boring (104212) Cousin: definitely more of a period drama than a horror film (104213) Me: heh, roomie is going to see that while I'm at Harold and Kumar (104214) Me: sucker (104222) Me: anyway, spoil away! (104225) Cousin: right (104227) Cousin: well (104236) Cousin: they show the monsters surprisingly early in the film (104246) Cousin: they look like wolven hedgehogs who can walk upright and wear red cloaks (104311) Cousin: so the main point of the movie is this love quadrangle (104321) Me: I knew it, porcupines! (104333) Cousin: one girl likes Joaquin, but Joaquin likes blind sister of first girl, and Adrien Brody is the retard who loves blindy (104354) Me: oh man, even my roomie is going to be pissed at this movie (104359) Cousin: so Joaquin and Blindy get engaged eventually, so Adrien retard stabs him (104428) Cousin: so the blind girl petitions to go through the woods in search of "medicines from The Towns" (104436) Cousin: and the whole thing is really stilted, like a bad Ren Fest (104502) Cousin: so before she goes her dad, the village elder, reveals to her that the creatures are just the elders in costumes, trying to keep the Village pure through scare tactics (104518) Cousin: which is a crock of shit because 1) the monster costumes look better than the aleins in SIgns, which were real (104519) Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (104542) Me: hahaha...ohhhohoohoho...heh..... (104554) Cousin: and 2, they totally abandon and never explain why the monsters were skinning animals and marking their doors, they just casually say "yes, we think a rogue elder is behind that" (104601) Me: I'm am so going to tease Morgion when he gets back from the movie (104601) Cousin: it gets worse (104636) Cousin: so she goes through the woods, the blind girl. even though it'd be easier for her dad to do it as long as he's giving permission. like, for a blind girl it's an epic quest; for him it's be a short walk (104650) Cousin: so she's going through the woods, and one of the crteatures starts coming after her (104654) Me: hah, blind girl in the woods! (104659) Cousin: so of course I think, rogue elder protecting their way of life (104703) Cousin: um, no (104713) Cousin: she tricks the monster by making it run into a pit (104717) Cousin: which was effing hilarious (104726) Me: wow, a blind Rambo (104746) Cousin: and she doesn't see who it is, but turns out it's the retard, who dug his way out of the room he was locked in as punishment and found a spare costume under the floorboards (104812) Cousin: ...yup (104835) Cousin: so she makes it to the edge of the woods, climbs out over this wall of vines, and - it's a wildlife preserve (104853) Cousin: owned by her father. all these people live in a wildlife preserve, in modern times, to escape crime and the modern world (104858) Cousin: they're effing Amish (104919) Me: that's the first halfway-decent plot twist so far (104932) Cousin: so a ranger in a jeep sees her, gets her the medicine she needs after some breif mention of how the gov was paid not to fly planes over the preserve (104954) Cousin: and then she goes back, comes to the bedisde of her stabbed lover, says she's returned - and movie abruptly ends (105000) Me: wow (105003) Me: wow (105012) Cousin: which made one of the idiots I saw it with say that there "HAs to be a sequel" (105012) Me: was the theater really pissed off? (105018) Cousin: "so we know if the guy lives or not" (105019) Me: looking around, did you see murder in their eyes (105020) Cousin: ... (105036) Cousin: most of us were upset, some thought it was "totally mindblowing" (105041) Cousin: but yeah, horrible (105045) Cousin: time for a list (105056) Cousin: Three and a half lessons I learned from "THe Village" (105108) Cousin: 1. DOn't befriend the retarded, it's deadly. (105119) Cousin: 2. Don't bother with M.Night movies anymore, jackass. (105129) Cousin: 3. The AMish are neither scary nor all that interesting. (105142) Me: well duh, they're Amish (105144) Cousin: 3 & 1/2. Except for Adrien Brody, who was spooky, but he can't help that he's ugly. (105151) Me: you gotta catch them during their teenage Wilding Years (105200) Cousin: I know, sucks to be the AMish this week (105221) Cousin: but like, there were some interesting ideas, but the movie had nothing new to say about any of them (105227) Cousin: it was just hokey and dull (105239) Cousin: reminded me of "Fiddler on the Roof". and "Of mice and men" (105254) Me: I am now beseeching roomie to not see the movie (105305) Cousin: so seriously though (105308) Cousin: they say the elders are the monsters (105317) Me: which is lame (105322) Cousin: but they never explain the arbitrary color scheme, like red = bad, yellow = good (105323) Me: do the monsters ever kill anyone? (105330) Me: yeah, that color thing makes no sense (105336) Me: unless the eldest doesn't like red (105340) Cousin: they never explain why the monsters came itno the vilager very recewntly and spooked them up real good (105352) Cousin: well, maybe if they just don't want bloodshed so they made them think red was bad (105354) Cousin: but still, no (105412) Cousin: it was just (105428) Me: Shyamalan likes to abandon ideas halfway through (105429) Cousin: unfulfilling once they revealed it, because they really didn't explain it adequately (105434) Me: he probably thinks they're "red herrings" (105446) Cousin: ucky (105458) Cousin: just lame (105507) Cousin: the dialogue was so bad (105533) Cousin: I do think I want some Harold and Kumar this weekend... ... (105756) Cousin: seriously though, I'm upset. I have some friends who'll expect me to go to "VIllage" again tonight (105813) Me: oh HELL no (105817) Me: White Castle all the way (105841) Cousin: they're going to see this no matter what. can't dissuade them. I'm just going to have to bail and be the jerk. (105851) Cousin: they won';t listen to me, I already know. these people loved "Signs" (105857) Me: they'll understand when the movie's over (105906) Me: oh, or maybe they won't (105914) Cousin: exactly (105921) Cousin: some people are going tot hink it's clever, but it's really not (105930) Cousin: like I said, kind of an interesting idea, but the movie has nothing to say about it (105935) Cousin: like it just ends soon after (105937) Cousin: so weak (105952) Me: yeah, Shyamalan doesn't like to stick around after his big twist (110008) Me: he doesn't realize that it's only really worked once so far (110020) Me: but it still sounds better than Unbreakable (110029) Me: 3 hours of Bruce Willis close-ups... (110039) Cousin: I hope word of mouth hurts this, but I dunno (110045) Cousin: it looks primed to make a shit ton of money (110053) Cousin: even Unbreakable, which sort of bombed, didn't stop him (110102) Me: CNN just gave it a half-panning (110108) Me: telling you not to expect a horror movie (110116) Me: really, it's the commercials that are the problem here (110119) Cousin: it's getting mixed reviews, but more bad than good (110123) Cousin: yeah, it's really mismarketed (110139) Cousin: I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't seem to be apologizing in advance that it's not a scary movie (110142) Cousin: oh, that's the other thing (110150) Cousin: there are like, 3-4 jump scenes in the whole movie, tops (110157) Cousin: but it's just "loud noise horror" (110214) Cousin: things that aren't actually scary int eh least, but it gets real quiet then they have a loud noise that makes you jump (110217) Cousin: that's cheating (110224) Cousin: it's a physical reflex, not a scare (110225) Me: I hate that (110232) Cousin: this is ALL that (110241) Cousin: when it bothers to try and scare you at all, that is (110245) Me: sounds like the roomie is still going to it, now that his expectations are as low as they can get (110300) Me: he says that he may even try to walk out and get a refund, and the prospect amuses him (110319) Cousin: man, this ending was so weak, but at least it was better than the rumored original ending (110343) Me: ??? (110345) Me: HOW? **Monthenor: I have to interject here. Do you REALLY want to read the original ending? Really? I bet you don't. There are wipes by the door to scrub your brain clean afterwards.** **I warned you** (110358) Cousin: according to rumors, the original ending just panned over into the woods to show the monsters for real, and the last line was "Crazy fucking white people." (110410) Me: holy shit (110424) Me: there would be riots (110438) Cousin: which at the time seemed misguided, and is, but the monsters never really killed anyone, I guess (110559) Cousin: the monsters looked so much better than the SIgns aliens.....so tragic that they were fake (110612) Me: I know, it's too bad it's not really a horror movie (110619) Me: wolfen porcupines sound cool (110623) Cousin: first time we saw one though, I was like, wait, is that it? but then later on I thought it did look sort of creepy, but not really (110957) Me: I hope this is the movie that finally ruins Shyamalanalamanan's hype machine (111022) Cousin: I dunno. word of mouth will be mixed at best, but it'll make $. big $. (111142) Cousin: ooh, maybe I'll rewatch "Happiness of the Katakuris" today (111215) Me: what's that? (111243) Cousin: Japanese horror comedy musical I found at some weird store in Milwaukee (111314) Cousin: this family tries to oepn a bed and breakfast, but the guests keep dying, so they keep covering up the deaths so people won't think the place is cursed (111317) Cousin: then they sing about it (111326) Cousin: also, claymation interludes (111328) Cousin: and zombies (111344) Me: wow, neat (111357) Cousin: kind of. it's not great, but it's kind of fun. (111602) Cousin: well, brb, I'm gonna shower. too much Shamalyan. I need to wash the stink of cheat off me.